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I just saw Get Smart the other day. I always considered myself a fan of the show, fully anticipating the Cone of Silence gags, bad puns, and silly slapstick that we were paying for. That is until I had the distinct displeasure of sitting next to two 'real' fans. I don't think either of these assholes had ever been to a movie theater, nor seen any form of commercial entertainment since Get Smart, so unaware they were of their surroundings, so pleased with the insipid images that danced before their eyes.

Here's that list I alluded to in the Header:

1. Be a Fucking Balls-Hairy Fatass
    Remember always that being annoying is about ruining the movie experience for the people next to you. Start things off right by being about 75-160 pounds overweight. Before people even sit down they should know they're going to leave with a cramp after your morbid, filthy girth forced them to the corner of the full seat they paid for. Bolster this effect by wearing nothing but a yellowed wife beater, your spindly, inch-deep shoulder hair flowing free as an unwashed pubis. That shit took years to grow. And the odor? All day. Two days, even! Don't hide it from the world.

2. Laugh the Hardest at the Things You Saw in the Trailer
    You've clearly already decided that you love this movie based on who's in it and the title. Spare yourself any additional hassle of actual self-guided critical thought by forcing out extra-uproarious barks of laughter at the jokes they showed in the previews. Who cares that you see it coming a mile away, and already know the setup, delivery, and punchline? The important thing is that you prove to your fellow moviegoers that you, too, have an impeccable sense of humor by laughing first and loudest at those moments that the ad campaign's architects deemed the funniest. You don't want your neighbors to know that you're little more than a sad, slothful bag of teeth and hair.

3. Loudly Predict Obvious Things
    Steve Carrell is setting up to swing off a building and into an open window, I see. What do you think? You think that rather than succeed, he is in fact going to miss the window entirely and hit the side of the building? I'm pretty sure you do, because you just shouted it. Nice fucking foresight, dipshit. Hats off to the writer, I guess. Great minds really do think alike.
    When whatever vapid, unfunny cliche your brain somehow failed to acknowledge as such finally unfolds, be sure to clap your hands in close yet arrhythmic succession and solemnly declare "I knew it".
    Also, never stop doing this. Do it for every old gag you manage to recognize. Your record's three times in one scene (I counted). Maybe if you come back and see the movie again you'll beat it!
    Whore.
    This technique is best used in close conjunction with number 2.

4. Don't Die
    This goes without saying. If you keel over, that's the end of your unnecessary soundtrack. This sounds pretty easy, but keep in mind that everybody's going to be doing their damnedest to kill you with the power of their hate.
    Then again, the smell of your post mortem bowel evacuation will probably ruin the movie in everyone's mind forever and ever, so I don't know, maybe you should.

Hope that list helps.

I hijacked a few mailing lists from my friends, so I apologize in advance if you don’t know me. All the same, you are welcome to read on as I ( regale you with hair-raising tales of my swashbuckling days of globetrotting adventure, and moon-drenched nights of incense, silk, and spice – not to mention the many fearsome beasts and powerful wizards and medicine men I’ve had to face during my countless brushes with death and many daring exploits, which have brought me through desert, swamp, a dozen countries, two poles, and a should-have-been-dormant volcano. )